If I Stop Swearing, I've Stopped Caring

Should I watch my mouth?

I come from a long line of foul mouthed Western mountain Jews. These are the Jews that eschewed the cities, went west selling dry goods and furs, later breaking prohibition and generally raising hell under the foot of the Rocky Mountains. My grandma Cece is, as far as I can tell, the matriarch of this particular trait. My mother drank it with her mother's milk and I from her.

(Edit: Apparently, though I have heard my grandma curse on occasion, this came mostly from my grandpa Mel, who died when I was very young. My apologies Grandma!)

This has been a point of no little (mostly) good humored tension between my wife Daniella and I. She grew up in a family where clean language was a largely unspoken but important value, and to this day she does not even swear reflexively upon stubbing her toe. It just doesn't occur to her. I find it fascinating how instincts between one person and the next can be so different. We are all truly singular, even as we are all the same.

Over the years I've gotten my swearing partly under control, mostly by learning to moderate my temper more generally (lots of therapy) and occasionally I even catch myself just in time and make a choice to stop with the sound on my lips, explosively sweet relief just tickling the tip of my tongue. But I still swear.

This behavior is so deep in me that I even feel a bit inauthentic not swearing. As a person with more than a passing interest in linguistics and cultural anthropology (hi Peter!), as well as an Orthodox Jew, I wonder if I am trying too hard or not enough to avoid cuss words. Firstly, are they actually forbidden by Jewish law? Sort of but not really. Actual ‘swearing’ that is, taking an oath, particularly if one uses ‘God’s name in vain’ is a Torah level no-no. But the general concept of ‘clean language’¹ is at best a rabbinic prohibition, or perhaps merely an exhortation to good behavior. In a context in which certain words are seen as lowly, then the prohibition of ‘al teshaketzu’ which I translate as ‘don’t be a lowlife,’ would apply. But it’s not clear that I live in that context.

I then need to examine why certain ‘curse words’ are considered bad. In the old days ‘bad guys’ used God’s name in vain and made oaths, damned people to Hell, and the like. References to God and the afterlife, done in that way, was seen as bad. Today these are considered the lightest offenses, which bother only religious fundamentalists (of which I, in theory, am one) and uptight prudes. The most offensive terms one can socially get away with using refer to bodily functions; sexuality, acts done in the bathroom. But the real curse words these days are racial slurs, or other words which contradict the political preferences of polite society. Racial slurs are dehumanizing and evil of people who were created in His image. So in essence we’ve gone from anathematizing language that would offend God, to words which offend our propriety and sense of privacy, to words which offend other people. Perhaps this is a kind of progress, as God is much more forgiving than people these days. Luckily my swearing has never been in today's most verboten category.

I recall reading studies to the effect that swearing uses an entirely different part of the brain than regular speech, which is why people with dementia who cannot speak can sometimes still swear. And swearing can reduce the pain one experiences as much as an over the counter pain pill. There is something deep and primordial about it. It cannot be so easily excised.

In the end I am left ambivalent. It’s deeply ingrained, and fighting it seems both arduous and pointless as I am bound to ultimately fail. On the other hand I try to be an example of proper behavior for my children, and cursing doesn’t seem like proper behavior for a person claiming to represent something of the divine will in the world, as every religious Jew is, on some level, committed to doing. General society doesn’t see it as unacceptable, but classy people avoid it, and we want to be classy ambassadors for God.

I will probably continue trying half-heartedly, failing, feeling kinda bad about it but not really so bad, and repeating the cycle ad infinitum. I hope to, maybe in my slow and plodding and recursive way, to make some progress. Daniella gave up trying to change this long ago, as years of marriage made clear the limits to my personal transformations. She just rolls her eyes and gives a long sigh. At least I can console her that I am following in the tradition of my ancestors.

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Only the Good Stuff: Things to Read on the Internet

This article from Mosaic explores the issues of religion and state as they stand vis-a-vis traditional Judaism. Very in depth. Very precise. If you are not Orthodox this may be a perspective that rubs you the wrong way but I beg you to read it especially if that is the case. A couple of particularly good bits:

These cases, like the Obamacare cases, exemplify the basic asymmetry of religious liberty issues in the administrative state. Regulators appointed to antidiscrimination commissions prioritize state antidiscrimination policies over the Constitution’s free-exercise clause. Without concomitant institutional commitments to religious liberty within the administrative process itself, religious believers need to count on courts or elected officials to restrain the agencies.

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Such fundamental matters of human life, justice, and dignity must be defended on their own terms. To redefine them simply to accommodate the administrative state’s lingua franca is to accept that modern regulation has no natural place for human dignity or religious faith per se.

Tablet brings us an excellent, long piece on the right wing firebrand Ben-Gvir, who is roiling Israeli politics at the moment, bringing the Kahanist tradition closer than ever before to actual power:

The overlooked context for Ben-Gvir’s rise is that for the past 30 years, Israel’s centrists sold their country on quasi-utopian schemes that to many Israelis now seem far crazier than just about anything Ben-Gvir says he wants.

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Before We Part

1. My parents are back on this side of the pond (two ponds, really)! I want to wish them a yishuv tov (good home-making) in their new apartment down the street. I am so happy for them, myself, and my kids. All the love.

2. Thank you for reading! If you like this and you’re not subscribed, please do so below. It’s super easy, free (unless you choose to pay), and you won’t miss anything. If you’re subscribed and you would like to support this, please consider becoming a paying member. It greatly increases my ability to put time into putting these out regularly and with some (hopefully) consistent level of quality. See ya next week!

Peace and Blessings,

-Eitan

1. לשון נקי