How My Baby Saved My Life
With love and terror
My wife remembers the pregnancy and early months as magical. It was the second Covid lockdown when she was born and for most of the pregnancy the five of us were cocooned in our new home like a pile of puppies, pretending to do homeschool and enjoying each other while (mostly) secretly, worrying about the future.
For me it was a bit different. I was barely able to use my hands. Until a few months before she was born I could barely drive. I worried, would I be able to hold her? What about a few short months later when my wife, the current sole breadwinner for the household went back to work? We were just managing to make ends meet for the first time since I got really sick. Would it all fall apart? I mostly kept these fears to myself.
At the Arab hospital in East Jerusalem where she was born (a story for another time) we named our daughter Ateret1 Bracha, which means “an overflowing abundance of blessings.” She was not in the plan. Our plan was survival for us and our three boys, to pay our bills, and to enjoy aging out of the most physically difficult parts of parenthood like interrupted sleep, lifting and carrying, and changing diapers.
When we found out we were having a girl, finally fulfilling one definition of ‘be fruitful and multiply,’ which requires at least one child of each sex, we felt it was bashert2. Sure it was a pandemic, and I was totally disabled so she was scrambling to support us, and we already felt overwhelmed before. But what can you do when God throws a blessing at you other than catch it? So we called her a blessing. A great, overflowing, fire-hose of blessing.
A lot of good things happened during that time. My wife was the backbone of the family that kept us solvent. But it was Ateret, or the gut-wrenching terror of her imminent arrival that inspired dramatic changes. Because we wanted to be settled in a better home and hopefully set up better financially for the long run we looked more urgently for a place to buy that we could afford. Then we went begging to our families for the cash we needed to make the down payment, a call which they answered heroically. Due to my fear about being able to hold her I tried going off a medication I had been on3, not exactly against, but rather without medical advice. And it turned out it was causing my most debilitating symptoms, which melted away4.
That experience brought me to understand my health and my relationship to the medical profession differently, to take ultimate responsibility for my own health and stop looking for a medical savior. When I did that, I suddenly found there were things I could do, with caution.
Just weeks before my wife went back to work my hands started to improve. I had been pushing up against some hard limits when it came to picking up Ateret and I was so relieved. I don't remember if I cried, but I hope I did. The moment was worthy of it.
After over a year of barely lifting anything my arm strength slowly returned in tandem with the kilos she gained. Over this past summer when I was home alone with her I started walking out of sheer desperation, and the distance I could go went slowly from pitiful to respectable, to possibly going back to doing a bit of guiding here and there.
I refer to her as my physical therapy baby. But really she’s been a life saver.
The verses in Jeremiah 33 where Ateret's name appears:
For thus said the LORD, the God of Israel, concerning the houses of this city and the palaces of the kings of Judah that were torn down for [defense] against the siegemounds and against the sword, and were filled by those who went to fight the Chaldeans,—with the corpses of the men whom I struck down in My anger and rage, hiding My face from this city because of all their wickedness:
I am going to bring her relief and healing. I will heal them and reveal to them an abundance (ATERET) of peace and truth.
And I will restore the fortunes of Judah and Israel, and I will rebuild them as of old.
and I will pardon all the sins which they committed against Me, by which they rebelled against Me.
And she shall gain through Me renown, joy, fame, and glory above all the nations on earth, when they hear of all the good fortune I provide for them. They will thrill and quiver because of all the good fortune and all the prosperity that I provide for her.
Thus said the LORD: Again there shall be heard in this place, which you say is ruined, without man or beast—in the towns of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are desolate, without man, without inhabitants, without beast—the sound of mirth and gladness, the voice of bridegroom and bride, the voice of those who cry, “Give thanks to the LORD of Hosts, for the LORD is good, for His kindness is everlasting!” as they bring thanksgiving offerings to the House of the LORD. For I will restore the fortunes of the land as of old—said the LORD.
Attitude of Gratitude
Galina is grateful for all the people in her life who help her get through. Family, friends and others.
Dana writes, “I am grateful that there are other people— like you— who are willing to say out loud, after doing some soul searching, that questioning an old persona and making adjustments is ok.”
I am grateful for Naama whose kindergarten had a place for Ateret after the year started and the place we had arranged almost literally fell apart. It's a perfect fit and she is so happy there. There are goats!
Please send me something you are grateful for to include in the next newsletter! Just hit ‘reply’ to this email and write. This can include shout-outs to loved ones.
Before We Part
This weekly newsletter was last sent earlier this week on Monday, but next week Monday is Rosh Hashanah. So please consider this Thursday newsletter my Rosh Hashanah missive. I hope to send out the newsletter every Thursday going forward.
Blessings
For the imminent new year, whether Jew or gentile, may you be blessed with a year of peace, wholeness and love. This year, may you plant the seeds your children will enjoy in the Mars colony common room. The first night of the holiday is also my 39th birthday and birthday wishes and blessings are mandatory appreciated. I hope to see you in my inbox.
Happy new year!
-Eitan
Not עטרת, but the less common עתרת
“Meant to be” in Yiddish
Plaquenil, for treatment of Lupus which had maybe disappeared or possibly never was
To be precise, I don't know if it was causing those symptoms or just preventing them from healing
Quite the story. I am Eitan‘s child and I remember all of this happening. although I was feeling more excited for עתרת I didn’t think of her as עתרת because she wasn’t named yet. but I was still really excited!
Incredible. I had a child, my first, and then ten months later was stricken by daily migraines which I am still living with. I write about my own healing journey, inspiration, strategies, whatever, to find the will to carry through. I'm glad to have found your story. It is an inspiration. Thank you. Ps., I also just turned 39!