Perfection is the Enemy of the Good
In religion, romance, and parenting.
I came across a new phrase recently, apparently it's 'a thing’, called ‘good enough parenting.’ I’m glad to see its time has come. When I see what many affluent westerners consider required to be a good parent I've always thought, “well, no wonder people aren't having kids. It sounds miserable!”
My philosophy is, in short, that the family is a unit. You have to make life livable for everyone, and there is no family member with an absolute veto over everyone else. Even with a baby, sometimes you can accept slightly more risk, or do something which is not ‘best’ for the baby (in isolation) in order to be able to sleep enough to not drive your entire family off a literal or figurative cliff, for example. In the end, both the parents and the child will, on average, end up happier and more well adjusted. Fight me on the details if you must, but please stick around for the bigger point.
It’s not just about parenting. Whether it's in the context of kids, a romantic partnership, or a religious way of life, it's going to be a lot more important to be able to forgive and be humble and flexible within the boundaries of one’s commitments, than to be able to do and get everything you want or think you deserve. The feeling that one must have X or IT MEANS their marriage is not up to snuff has lead to countless divorces and endless unhappiness. The thought that a good God could not permit the thing that is bothering us at this moment has caused many to break with traditions which brought comfort and meaning to their lives (except for that “ONE THING!”). We have to accept that our relationship is ‘good enough,’ and that applies to our relationship to God too. He may be perfect, and we believe our tradition is the best way for a Jew to get close to Him, but it is nonetheless human, and therefore flawed (But why did God make it that way!!!!?!?!?!).
Also, the insistence that one must be perfect in their divine service to stand with a clean conscience before The Creator has driven more people from God than I care to imagine. The Jewish tradition was historically portrayed by Christians as unforgiving and legalistic, but in fact our great thinkers have insisted that we are judged only according to our abilities and that God is hard to offend and easy to appease with our good intentions. That holds even if we don't live up to them.
So go ahead and give yourself, and your spouse, and your kids, and God a break. You will end up serving them all better in the end, and avoid destroying them in the name of an unachievable perfection.
P.S. The same goes for writing. I have wanted to wait until I had my thoughts on something fully thought through, processed, edited, considered in the fullness of the ‘body’ of work I am creating here, and presented in just the right personal and introspective yet broadly applicable voice, etc. etc., before publishing. And so, you have gone weeks without hearing from me. I apologize. I hope you found this missive ‘good enough.’
YES! A great therapist introduced me to the concept of “good enough parenting” a few years ago and it definitely shifted my feelings about parenting my kids. I never thought to apply it to Judaism, though. I’m far from following many of the “rules” of traditional Judaism, but I’ve grown in my observance and, for now, this is enough for me. I’ve often felt like I’m not a good enough Jew in the eyes of HaShem (let alone human Jews), but your suggestion to be ok with good enough Judaism is interesting.
If we think of the relationship with HaShem as parent-child (as some teachings/prayers do)-- and despite His perfect nature-- it would be interesting to think of Him applying good enough parenting to us.
Anyway, the title of your essay says it all. Great to be reading your work again!